You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
