did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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