sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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