It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
