UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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