What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize