I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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