Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
