How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
