Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
