Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
