I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
