Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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