you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
