i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
