I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
