you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize