I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
