This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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