You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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