I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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