I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
