I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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