Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
