I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
