Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
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