see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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