i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
