Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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