so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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