Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
