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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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