Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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