my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
