The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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