I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
