mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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