A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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