i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
