I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
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I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
