bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
