Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
did i just pee glitter
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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