So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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