Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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