i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize