Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
