I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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