dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
