i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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