I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
