She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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