I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
