So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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