My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
