just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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