his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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