It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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