Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
