Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
