Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
