why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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