I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
