In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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