at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
