We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
