this boner is exhausting
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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