The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
