So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
