Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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