I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
