I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
