i was born a porn star she said
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Floor bacon is actually really good
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
